CFB’s Real-Life “Necessary Roughness” Cast

Largely panned upon its 1991 release, Necessary Roughness has since become a cult classic for college football fans. If life imitated art, which real-life players and coaches would make up the cast?

QB Paul Blake (Scott Bakula) was a 34-year-old former high school star who never attended college following his father’s death. Shinskie, on the other hand, is a 28-year-old senior who spent 2003–09 trying to make it as a big league pitcher.

If Shinskie wins a game for the Eagles this season with a QB run-pass option on a two-point conversion with no time left, that would be awesome.

In no fewer than two stories this summer we have pointed out the similarities between Hector Elizondo’s character and the 64-year-old coach of the Roadrunners.

Once on top of the coaching world, both are now in charge of programs that have nowhere to go but up. Both have that haggard look about them that just screams “college football lifer.” Hell, they’re even both plying their trade in the state of Texas.

Unlike on screen, Coker’s team - a new entry to the FBS this fall and in its second year of existence - is a long way off from being in any sort of situation where they can defeat the University of Texas. Or even stay within 50 points of them.

From the tanned, leathery skin to their scratchy voices, Chuck Amato and actor Robert Loggia are peas in a pod. (Of course, if Loggia had Amato’s habit of screaming so much he lost his voice, he’d be out of work in Hollywood in a hurry.)

And after a successful, 30-year run spent at Florida State and NC State, Amato finds himself in Riggendorf’s position: Working for a bottom-feeding program in Akron. (We have the Zips at No. 8 on our July 27 list of “Preseason Top 10 Worst CFB Teams.”)

We already know your question, and here’s your answer. Cassandra Dawn is a lecturer in the Intensive English department at New York’s Pratt Institute. (No, we are not making up the name of that department.)

Dawn’s place among the Daily Beast’s Hot Profs in 2010 and No. 4 ranking on SuperScholar’s list of the 15 Hottest Female Intellectuals are all the credentials we need to tab her as our real-life Dr. Suzanne Collins (Harley Jane Kozak). Alas, Pratt does not have a football team.

The Gordon Gee that we know at Ohio State is the antithesis of Dean Elias (Larry Miller). He loves football, even helping new Buckeyes coach Urban Meyer recruit players with promises of frat parties.

But the Gordon Gee who was at Vanderbilt prior to Ohio State ... that’s another story. His decision to merge the Commodores athletic department into the Division of Student Life is right out of the Phillip Elias’ “Evil Dean Playbook.” (Never mind that the move has actually benefited Vandy athletics.)

Alas, Gus Johnson has never said anything as incendiary as, "I hope you stay tuned as the Texas State marching band does its salute to gun racks and open beverage containers; which is only legal in Texas."

But he is still head and shoulders above any other announcer in college sports with his antics. From "The slipper still fits!" and his constant proclamations of "rise and fire" to his now-legendary euphoria during the Kansas State-Xavier Sweet Sixteen game in 2010, he's a real-life announcer from seemingly straight out of the movies.

Hell, he could make Texas State games sound like the Super Bowl.

Andre Krimm does not sounds like the name of a college defensive linemen. He sounds like he should be a henchman for Rasputin. If he were real, he’d be a surefire CFB All-Name Team candidate.

Before he blossomed into one of the best defensive linemen in the country, Barkevious Mingo’s name had already made him famous. If you’ve seen some of the candidates for the annual “Name of the Year” award, you’ll understand that Mingo’s win in 2009 is nothing to scoff at.

Oh, and they both like to "par-tay" in opposing backfields.

Banks is the Fightin' Armadillos loveable wide receiver who makes the big play when it counts the most. The same can be said of Mizzou's Moe, whose comedic chops are another nice tie-in to the movie.

A preseason Biletnikoff Award candidate and the Tigers’ 2012 captain, Moe was a hit at SEC Media Days in July, waxing poetic on everything from toilet paper to the likelihood that those in attendance were packing.

For all we know, Moe is taking improv classes for an acting career in case pro football doesn't work out.

We’d like to thank two of our Twitter followers, @BrandonStahl1 and @evilbillobrien, for providing us with this one. Our question: Which current CFB WR infuriates you the most with his penchant for big drops?

When Brown transferred from Penn State this offseason, many Nittany Lions fans said, “Good riddance” in spite of his 19 career starts. Why? As ESPN’s Adam Rittenberg discovered on Twitter the night of Brown’s transfer, on August 6, the junior had a reputation for “dropped passes and inconsistent play” in 2011.

Maybe Brown should try stick 'em.

We’re not accusing Te’o of implementing vicious karate moves on the field like Hansen (Michael Dolan) did. Or even a penchant for personal fouls. It’s just that the way that Te’o flies around the field delivering bone-crushing hits makes it feel like he’s doing something dirty.

It’s a shame that former Arizona State linebacker Vontaze Burfict had to declare for the NFL Draft after last season. He’d be a perfect choice for this cheap-shot artist.

We acknowledge that Utah’s stud defensive tackle normally lines up across from center as opposed to at it. But no matter. Everything from the hard-to-pronounce name to the quiet, “Don’t cross me or I’ll kick your butt” demeanor makes these two players alike more than they’re different.

Also, Lotulelei is (health pending) en route to becoming a very wealthy NFL player. That’s more than enough to give him the confidence to ask a showering Kathy Ireland out on a date.

Everything from the soccer background to her ability to prove that she can hang with the boys makes Isom an easy choice for Draper (Kathy Ireland).

What we wouldn’t give to see Isom kicking field goals for the Bayou Bengals. Ireland was the epitome of beauty in the early-1990s, and Isom would break Twitter if her girl-next-door good looks and fun-loving personality were on the sidelines in Baton Rouge this fall.