What if Nick Saban Were U.S. President?
By Jim Weber
As you’ve undoubtedly heard by now, at least one voter in Alabama cast his Presidential ballot for Crimson Tide head football coach Nick Saban (apparently he didn’t think about the fact Saban would have to quit his day job). While Saban came up about 60 million votes short of winning the election, I imagine a world in which the always salty Saban became Curmudgeon-in-Chief.
In the same vain as ESPN’s unintentionally hilarious “What if Michael Vick Were White?” article, I ask “What if Nick Saban Were President?” by picturing his introductory press conference as the leader of the free world.
As you can see, he would still dress like he does for college football practice and have the traditional White House seal removed from the press room’s backdrop in favor of the Alabama logo...
Press Secretary Purinton: “Ladies and gentlemen: Without further adieu, I’d like to introduce the newest President of the United States, Nick Saban.
[Round of courteous applause as Saban walks to podium.]
[Press looks around at each other in confusion, followed by an awkward silence.]
Reporter: “Mr. President: Can you talk about what it’s like to be elected the President of the United States despite not running for any previous political office and what that says about what your political team accomplished?”
[Reporter turns to another: “Did he just switch shirts?”]
Reporter: “Mr. President: There are reports that your Vice President, Greg McElroy, came down with a cold during your Inauguration yesterday and will be out of commission for a couple days. Is there any truth to that?”
[Press Secretary Purinton puts face in palm.]
Reporter: “Mr. President: What does it say about your chances to be a two-term President that you were elected without any previous political experience?”
[Press furiously crosses off half of questions on notepads.]
Reporter: “Mr. President: I’m sure you’ve heard the criticism that it’s un-Presidential for you to hit your aide A.J. McCarron on the behind. Is that something you plan to change?”
Reporter: “Mr. President: I know you never like to look too far into the future, but on the matter of foreign policy, do you still plan to withdraw from Afghanistan by the end of 2014 as President Obama had planned?”
[Reporter mumbles to another: “That should end well.”]
Reporter: “Mr. President: Continuing on foreign policy, Secretary of Defense Kirby Smart has said he plans to quote-unquote ‘blitz’ Syrian President Bashar al-Assad until the crisis in that country is resolved. How important is it for your Presidency to see his removal from power?”
Press Secretary Purinton: “Last question for the President…”
Reporter: “Mr. President, based on that statement, I take it you will seek further diplomacy and economic sanctions on Iran and North Korea instead of ‘sacking’ Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong-un?”
[Media files out in stunned silence as Press Secretary Purinton chugs a bottle of Maalox.]