Envisioning Johnny Manziel’s 21st B-day Party
By Jim Weber
Johnny Manziel’s 21st birthday is on Friday. Given the way he’s already partied like a rock star while underage, I can only imagine the alcohol consumption and carnage that will lay in Johnny Football’s wake come Saturday morning.
Behold my vision of what will take place Friday night for what will surely be the biggest, baddest 21st birthday of all time.
Getting ready for a night even more epic than last year’s Halloween, Manziel hears a knock on his apartment door while shotgunning tall boys in the shower. He throws on a towel and asks who it is.
Manziel opens the door to see his manager, Nate Fitch, standing with Manziel’s Dream Team of partying: Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods and Rob Gronkowski.
They explain that the three of them were moved when Manziel said on the Kyle Field JumboTron that they were the three people he would most like to party with and that they wouldn’t miss this for the world.
The five of them are escorted into a limo full of Sheen’s goddesses, Tiger’s bimbos and Gronk’s porn stars and driven to a nearby airfield, where they board Tiger’s private jet for the only place fit to handle Johnny Football’s 21st birthday: Vegas, baby.
Johnny Football joins the Mile High Club while guzzling Cîroc - then rejoins it another six times before the crew lands in Sin City at dusk.
The group ditches the girls and heads straight to The Bellagio to find Arkansas head coach Bret Bielema and his wife, Jen, playing blackjack – just like when the two first met. Bielema asks what it will take for Manziel to transfer to Arkansas after his disastrous first season in Fayetteville. Bielema starts grovelling and offers JFF his chips, his car, his house and finally, “How about my wife Jen introduces you to some of her friends tonight?”
Manziel declines: “I’m going to the league, baby. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it Bert?”
The quintet heads over to the craps table, where Sheen and Tiger immediately place $1 million chips on the pass line. With his golden arm, Manziel rolls the dice for the next hour without tossing a seven, sipping on Jack and Cokes. Sheen observes, “This is easier money than ‘Two And a Half Men.’ ” After each roll, Tiger screams, “Suck on that, Elin!”
Halfway through the turn, Pete Rose approaches Manziel about gambling on A&M’s bowl game and entering the autograph game full-time.
“Hell, you probably made more than me signing autographs this year,” Rose says. “Screw the NFL, kid. Instead of getting killed every week, come out here to Vegas and live off writing your name in script. I’ve been doing it for the last 20 years. Think about it…”
Rose hands Manziel his card, then goes searching for penny slot machines.
When Manziel finally craps out after his run for the ages, the dice is passed to Gronkowski. Unable to grasp the game, Gronk keeps spiking the dice against the craps table and eventually gets the crew tossed from the casino floor after punching an angry pit boss in the face.
It’s now midnight.
As they walk outside, Tiger and Sheen scream in unison: “Spearmint Rhino!”
When Gronkowski asks if he gets to wrestle the rhino, Johnny Football just pats Gronk on the back. Sheen and Tiger are escorted to the back as soon as they enter the legendary Las Vegas strip club. Says Tiger: “Sorry, no rookies allowed in the champagne room. I take it you boys can fend for yourselves for the next hour - make that two hours.”
That’s when Uncle Nate pulls out his second surprise of the night: Manziel’s Halloween Scooby-Doo outfit from last year’s Halloween. Manziel gets into the costume and climbs up onto the stage with the girls, where he starts grinding on the strippers. His new drink of choice is one part Alize, one part Cristal - a.k.a. “Thug Passion.”
Johnny, Gronk and Uncle Nate get curious about the champagne room and sneak into the back. They open the door to find Sheen, Tiger and Mike Tyson involved in a lewd group sex act with three strippers and Tyson’s private flock of pigeons. Tiger and Sheen freeze and ask them to wait outside.
When Tiger gets in the limo, all he says is, “Never speak of that again.”
It’s 4:00 AM.
Sheen: “OK, last stop of the night: Marquee. Try not to this f*ck up, guys…”
The five of them walk into the hottest night club in the world and are swiftly escorted to a VIP table surrounded by models and Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes and Miley Cyrus, who have all fallen off the wagon and take turns inhaling a giant mountain of cocaine. Manziel gets 10 bottles of the usual: Dom Perignon.
Just when it appears it can’t get any better, Uncle Nate turns to Johnny: “And now, for the final surprise.”
Manziel’s BFF Drake walks out on stage, invites Johnny up and gets the entire club to sing “Happy Birthday” to Johnny Football. Drake then preforms an impromptu concert with the whole club bouncing until arch-nemesis Chris Brown and Rihanna randomly walk in together (yes, they’re back together - again).
Brown’s entourage resorts to their old antics, pelting Drake and Johnny on stage with liquor bottles. Manziel drops back with his bottle of Dom and uncorks a perfect spiral into the crowd. It strikes Chris Brown right in the side of the head, knocking him out cold. Security drags him out of the club and toss Brown’s entourage as Johnny and Drake turn to each other and do the “cashing in” motion.
At that moment, a strange man with a pumpkin pie hair cut walks over to Manziel and introduces himself: “Johnny, I’m Mark Davis, owner of the Oakland Raiders. I’ve been following you and your friends here from The Bellagio. You are the most wreckless, immature and insane person I’ve ever met - that includes my father.
“And you’re the perfect franchise quarterback for the Oakland Raiders. Forget the combine and pre-draft workouts. Keep partying your ass off son, you won’t slip beyond us in next spring’s draft. Take my keys to the penthouse suite here at The Cosmopolitan.”
Just when it appears it can’t possibly get any better, Rihanna approaches Manziel from behind and whispers to him: “You’re a bad boy, aren’t you? I always go for the bad boys. Are you ready for the nastiest night of your life?”
Johnny Manziel turns to Drake: “Are you sure you’re cool with this Drizzy?”
“Hell no I’m not cool with this! Bros before hoes, dog!”
“Yeah, that was my motto too - until I became an Oakland Raider. Now it’s ‘Just win, baby.’ Rihanna, let’s head up to that penthouse suite. But first: Uncle Nate, hand me the Dom P. and that sparkler. Y’all know what time it is…”